Threw my brain at the wall, and this came out:

Darth Vader is back, and with 100% more self esteem!

2009-07-15T17:41:00.000-07:00

Another summer at the OC. Who saw that one coming? I didn't see that one anymore than the tree I backed into trying to get out of that god forsaken parking lot. Put a nice size dent in Katie's car... sigh. Also, I wasn't on the payroll list. Two weeks = Zero paycheck. Give me a break. AND SOME MONEYS.

But I love my job. How could I not? Kids have the smartest and simplest views on life, not burdened by the bullshit adults throw around every day. One can learn a lot from a little kid if you just pay attention. Besides, at Oak Crest, I AM LEGEND.

My group is great this year. Every kid has his own little quirks, some get on my nerves at least once a day, but I can't hate 'em. And if they do get on my nerves, I can kick them down the water slide and say it was a push. (Shhh)

I AM AN ARCHERY GOD.

So close, yet thousands of miles away.

2009-06-11T00:58:00.000-07:00

I'm so close. I've been working hard, trying to find a job in the little slice of heaven that is Surf City. I've got a couple of promising prospects, one at a pizza place and another at a lumberyard. Neither one is definite at this point, but hopefully I'll land something. I'm desperate. The shore is a beautiful woman that I've fallen in love with, and I'm trying to seduce her for a lasting commitment. Right now my relationship with the sea has been purely physical... afternoons spent passionately riding her under the sun. Being inside her creates a sense of euphoria, but is always strangely cold in the end.

Innuendo aside, I've got a jumping off point for a new song. Hopefully it'll be less cheesy and more creative than my last one. I'm happy with this one line I put together so far:

I was born in the sky
And I'll die in the ocean
Strange how my life
Is a fall in slow motion

It's not perfect, but I think it captures my love for the sea quite well. She's a cold mistress, but she's consistent. Not to mention, she likes it rough sometimes.

If the sea killed me, I'd be cool with it.

2009-05-31T00:20:00.000-07:00

So by now I've spent a few weekends at the shore, trying to set up this beautiful summer at the beach that I've been dreaming about. I've applied to 7 jobs so far, and I'm gonna make it 8 tomorrow. Still nothing, unfortunately. If I have to work at Oak Crest again, I'm gonna be pretty bummed.

Before I tell this story, I have to make it clear that my internal thermometer is busted. Nobody on the beach for miles was in the water today, it was absolutely freezing. I'm always the nut who will go swimming when it's brain freeze cold in the water. Today was no different. At first I went in maybe 10 minutes at a time, catching a few good waves with my boogie board (I think I cleared this up earlier, but I'd like to reiterate, I can't surf for shit). Then I'd come out, warm up in the sun for a while, then go in again. The last time I went in, I waited a good long while for any good waves to come. I was wading in the water for about 20 minutes, but the water was really calm, and I couldn't catch a ride back to shore. During this time, I hadn't really notice how far I drifted out to sea... pretty damn far. Now it was starting to get really windy and cold. I started breathing really heavily, I was just miserably cold out there. It didn't help when I got a few mouthfuls of ocean water. It got to the point where I was getting a little bit scared. The current wasn't too strong, but I was numb as hell, and needed to get back to shore. Now for anyone that doesn't surf or boogie board, the best time to catch a wave is right when it's about to break. Too early, and you won't catch it. Too late, and the wave will pound you into the sand. After what seemed like chucklefucking forever, a decent wave finally came. Unfortunately, I misjudged it, and it broke too early. Trying to ride a big wave that's already broken is like trying to jump on a moving horse. I got swallowed up, but damn luckily spit out by this monster thing. I actually came out facing the right way, and I rode it most of the way back to shore. I staggered out of the water, wrapped myself in my towel, and shivered violently for a good 20 minutes. I felt numb and sick until I took a hot shower when I got back. I don't worry too often about swimming alone, because I'm a strong swimmer. Today, however, jilted me a little.

Can't wait to do it again tomorrow.

On a stranger note, my dad caught this two foot long forty pound bass while fishing in the evening. Guess what's for dinner tomorrow? I hauled that bastard back to the house... he put up a good fight even after he died. I have to say, I'm a little weirded out by eating something that we caught. The poor bastard was apparently too tired to swim back out when we tried to let it go, so the decision was to give it a proper burial... in our stomachs. I salute you, you big ass bass. You shall not have died without honor. Or olive oil & salt, as well.

You can't get this kind of shit in the suburbs. This is why I have to work down here, live down here. I belong here. Tomorrow, I look for more jobs, eat more good food, do more fun shit and relax on that gorgeous sand. Be back in Monty tomorrow night. Sadness ensues.

Saboteur

2009-04-15T23:40:00.000-07:00

You and I fought so hard, fought so long

In our own little worlds, so perfect, so wrong

I'm already gone and I left you behind

Still didn't stop you from blowing my mind

There's a blaze inside over what I've lost

I keep it burning, whatever the cost

Is yours a spark or an inferno?

Take some time, let it burn, oh...

You're my muse

Light this fuse

Set the timer, blow down the door

Lay down, become my sweet saboteur

It's been way too long since I've felt that touch

Couldn't find someone who burned me as much

Something so cold about us living lies

Please melt me down with the heat from your eyes

You wanna know the thing I desire?

Come closer baby, bring me your fire

I live in a prison of love and gunpowder

Set it ablaze baby, MAKE ME SCREAM LOUDER

You're my muse

Light this fuse

Set the timer, blow down the door

Lay down, become my sweet saboteur

Bodies on fire, clothes on the floor

Baby, just be my sweet saboteur

The muuuuuuuse... is upon me.

2009-04-08T21:02:00.000-07:00

I'mma write some poems/songs. I used to be okay at it. I'll post 'em here, not on the ol' facebook. Don't want to be a douche.

HAAAARVARD! I did alright! Only had one point scored on me the whole weekend, out of five matches. I won a few, lost one, won one by default. Had some delicious Thai burritos. Awesome.

Twixslap, bitch. I'll write more later when I'm not tired as ass.

I call shenanigans. In general.

2009-03-31T18:27:00.000-07:00

This week is the last bastion of the living, before the gates of hell open and screaming souls and research papers spill forth into my world like the blood of a million republicans. In other words, I'mma be busy. Like, scarily busy. Oh well. Have to do scheduling tomorrow, Harvard this weekend, two papers next week, a ten pager the week after, a couple projects, and so forth. All whilst maintaining my sanity.

Time to start being more bold. If it doesn't work, I'll take a step back. I'll get back to the way I was freshman year, just kind of feeling things out. The worst that can happen is a little rejection. I can deal with that. No one ever got anywhere by sitting still and letting things go.

Hell, I can make it to summer. I'll be untouchable then, not going to let my summer get blown to shit.

F.Y.L.

2009-03-31T12:57:00.000-07:00

Today, I made the decision to let go of a lot of things that were weighing me down. I feel a hell of a lot better, and I'm gonna make the most of it. Fuck your life.

I AM MINE I AM MINE I AM MINE I AM MINE I AM ONLY MINE

2009-03-29T00:32:00.000-07:00

Did I mention my intention?

It's only a matter of time now. I've been working hardest of all to push my self confidence through the roof. I'm pushing through, the barriers are starting to crumble. I can finally crack that little smirk that I always used to. I prefer to smile with my eyes and save my mouth for saying the ridiculous things I like to say. BWAHH!

I just feel pretty okay right now. It's been a year of generally feeling not so good, so I welcome change right now. I'm anticipating this buildup of energy that will explode in a delicious culmination of awesomeness and happiness. I know it's my time. At least I'm adorably hopeful. Here's to falling in love with life again.

In the meantime, I have a tournament at Harvard next weekend. Time to release some more pressure on some unsuspecting Kendoka. I'll have a shiny new shinai to go with my shiny new disposition.

Look out world.

No, I don't. You did, and I'll never be the same.

2009-03-24T20:55:00.000-07:00

Yeah, drink that one deep.

So much work... I have a feeling I'm going to make myself sick this semester. For the next month or so, I have at least one major grade due. Not to mention the Harvard tournament in two weeks. So I have to practice extra hard, and get all this shit done. All while finding a summer job. Weeeee. As an added bonus, my allergies are kicking in! Score city!

God, I cannot wait to just create my peaceful microcosm this summer, and escape all the bullshit for a few months. It'll be so peaceful, especially when the thunderstorms hit the shore. There's nothing more beautiful then the crimson sky and the violet ocean during a thunderstorm. I'll bring my camera. Wish I had a better one, I could definitely get into photography.

Until that time, I'll be locked up in the prison of my own mind, wondering how high I'll be able to go once my bruised wings heal.

10 things that could kill me at any moment.

2009-03-22T02:25:00.000-07:00

10. Dying in a nuclear explosion.
9. Succumbing to some kind of medical anomaly.
8. Being struck by lightning.
7. Being murdered in the city.
6. A celestial disaster (comet impact, rogue black hole, gamma ray burst, etc..)
5. An animal attack.
4. Household accident.
3. Choking on a Wawa sandwich.
2. Natural disaster (supervolcano, tsunami, earthquake)
1. LACK OF SLEEP.

Well fuck me runnin'!

2009-03-20T23:57:00.000-07:00

Title is irrelevant this time. Just think it's a funny thing to say.

I've thought a lot about what I want to do this summer. Unfortunately, what I do this summer is highly dictated by how much money I can make. Volunteering is nice, I love where I work now, but I can't make a living on 0$. It's also why Oak Crest is seriously one of the lowest options on my list. It's nice that it's pretty much a guaranteed job, but it takes a lot out of me for not as much pay as I should be getting. I regret being so tired all the time last summer, I feel like it affected my family and friends. I don't want that to happen again.

So, my priority list is as follows: LBI, then DC, then Montgomery/general central NJ crap. If I could work at the beach... what a dream that would be. It's a place where I can have a certain degree of tranquility. The beach has always been a place with pleasant memories, and spending time there is very theraputic. Right now I'm working on checking out any possible job opportunities at either of the two elementary schools on the Island. I'd get to to a job I love, in a place I really love. Bonus. Plus, I'd have my friends come and chill when they want to. Serious awesomeness.

If I could leave work, walk home in the moist summer air in shorts and flip-flops, and go right to the beach right when the sun is setting and the crowds are leaving... that is true love. Just wash away all of my stress and anxiety in the ocean. Then I could sit on the balcony and maybe try reading a book for once, lol. I can't wait to breathe in that salty warm air. After being in the city all schoolyear, you come to appreciate fresh air. DC air and water is poison.

But, it's poison I've come to know and love. I'd much rather be in DC this summer than lounging around at home. I've had my relaxation this break, but it gets boring awfully fast. I'm glad I got to see my friends and family, but not having anywhere to go is killing me. Anyway, back to the point. If I was in DC, I'd at least have the opportunity to meet new people and do something exciting. It'd be expensive, but then again I have been rather thrifty this year. Just need to have enough for rent and food. I guess there would be the option of practicing Kendo too, can't really do that at the beach. Well I could, but people would think I was crazy :P

DC has its ups and downs, but it is a nice city for someone like me. I can find something to do relatively easily, which is great. I can take a walk and appreciate my surroundings, which I have to say is not as easy for me in a city like New York. I like the fact that I get to walk past the White House every time I go to work, it's pretty badass. I wish I took more time to appreciate where I was... maybe take a weekend stroll down to the monuments by myself and just listen to music. Read the names on the Vietnam War Memorial and try to guess what nationality they are. I dunno.

This summer is going to be mine, and I'm going to kill the shit out of it. In a good way.

"See, I told you I was a good dancer. Can I keep you?"

2009-03-17T23:36:00.000-07:00

I just had a particularly reflective walk back from Dan's house in the suburban darkness. I forgot how scary this neighborhood is at 2 in the morning. I haven't done that since... the summer. It kinda made me sad to think back to that night. Anyone who is reading this was probably there... It still hurts me when I think of how much I regret, and how things could have been different if I was just more patient. The walk back was very chilling, I guess you could say. I was hoping it could clear my head, but instead it brought back some painful memories.

Let's say this is in a very general sense. Let's just say. I was scared. Back then, I mean. There were a lot of different emotions I wasn't ready to deal with. I went about everything the wrong way, and for a long time. I damaged something I was never ready to live without, and still am not. I can't explain everything if I tried. Like I said, this is all in a general sense. This is a blog, not a journal... whoops.

On a much lighter note: Martin Brodeur is the greatest goalie of all time! In the books! :)

Oh and WTF??? How the shit did I lose 5 more pounds? I thought muscle was heavier than fat! I've been meaning to gain weight for so long! What the hell? I mean, I've definitely put on a lot of muscle (Narcissism? Hey, it's just observation.) but where did I even have 5 pounds to lose? Jesus. Must be edamame poisoning ;)

Maybe lack of sleep = lack of weight. In that case, I should get some sleep. I did do a bit of St. Patty's celebrating, so some sleep should do me good. Night folks. I love you all.

You can kiss my Blarney stones, son.

2009-03-17T11:21:00.000-07:00

St. Patrick's Day! Hooray for being an eighth Irish! Well, my mom is a quarter, so it's definitely reason for absolutely delicious Irish fare. Just hope I'm able to enjoy the other part of Irish culture tonight... man I seriously will be in need of going to the gym when I go back to school. I'll worry about that later. Today I'll just worry about corned beef and cabbage.

Side note: Martin Brodeur has a chance to be the greatest goalie in hockey history tonight. He may not be Irish, but I'm rooting for him all the same. Good luck Marty!

Ehhh... wish I wasn't alone for this holiday. Would be nice to have a sweet lass to have a pint with. Well, you know the old saying: Kiss me, I'm Irish. Errr... in my case: Give me an awkward friend hug, I'm an eighth Irish. Patience... there is someone out there for everyone. I'm doing my time. They're always after me funky charms.

MY MASTER PLANS???

2009-03-15T17:34:00.000-07:00

I'm going to control the world with my cats. A round table of feline oppression. Meow Zedong, Meowssolini, Adolf Whiskers, Fidel Catstro, and Yassir Aracat. MWAHAHAHAHA!

Sorry I'm a bit nuts today. Montgomery gets kinda boring real fast. And I'm too full to get Wawa. Maybe I should start a fire. Or a band.

The greatest of all time.

2009-03-14T21:18:00.000-07:00

Martin Brodeur has tied the NHL record for all-time wins by a goalie tonight, by helping defeat the Montreal Canadiens 3-1. On Tuesday night, the Devils play the Chicago Blackhawks, where Brodeur has a chance to surpass Patrick Roy's record of 551 wins. My opinion? FUCK YES. Brodeur is the greatest goalie in the world, the Devils are the best team in the world, and history will be made on Tuesday. It's nice when I'm not embarrassed by my sports team. (I'm talking to you, Eagles.)

Speaking of the greatest of all time, I got to indulge in a glorious Wawa sandwich today. If you don't live in the vicinity of a Wawa, well... kill yourself. Or move. The glory of Wawa is a gift to the people of earth. I had the pleasure of washing it down with an entire half gallon of Wawa diet green tea. I swear, if there was a god, this is his essence in a bottle. Abosolutely the best.

These are the things that make me feel at home. I had a model Montgomery day today: Went to the park to play basketball with Greg, had Wawa for lunch, watched the Devils game with Matt, downed half of a New World Pizza, and I'm writing this from my comfy ass bed... life is good right now. No work, no drama, no bullshit. Just relaxation. Something tells me I'll get bored of it quickly though. I need a little drama. Makes ya stronger.

I need to use this week to speculate any job prospects for the summer. Still don't know where I'm gonna end up. DC would be aight, LBI would be spectacular, and Montgomery would be... easy. I should go to Thailand. AHAH! Weren't expecting that one, were ya? Too bad I'm too poor. I'll figure it out. Gotta make some cash money, so I can... how do you say... make it rain on them hos? Hoes? Hos? (sp?)

I'm beat. I woke up during the AM. I know, right? The "I'm tired" thing is a recurrent ending here, I know. I don't have time to write this garbage in the middle of the day when I'm as amped up as Daffy Duck on amphetamines. So yep. I'm tired. Off to putz around for a while, then pass out. I have important Spring Break type things to do tomorrow.

Barbecue sauce of shame and rage.

2009-03-13T09:02:00.000-07:00

Only a few hours left, then I'll be heading home! Time for some sweet relaxation! Too bad I have a test the day we come back. Oh well. A little studying never killed anyone. Except for the famous study group murders back in the 60's. Brutal. I kid, I kid.

Gotta head to the gym first, work off the 8 pounds of wings I ate last night. Unwinding after practice can be hard work, with lots of consumption involved. My stomach is paying for it now. That might slow down the whole gym thing goin' on.

Fudge what time is it, I GOTTA PACK SON. I'm a last minute packer, for sure. I'm sure there are some guys out there that agree with me, it's useless to spend hours and hours packing. Just knock that shit out in ten minutes before you have to leave. Just like a paper for a class! Again, I kid. But seriously, packing is not a big deal.

Oooooooookay my stomach is about to take out its frustration, big time. I'll post again later, from the comfort of my bed at home!

Shomen ni. Rei. Sensei ni. Rei.

2009-03-10T19:52:00.000-07:00

I did it! I passed my kendo rank test! I bumped up two ranks, and now I'm an Ikkyu! For anyone who doesn't know the lingo, that means I'm one rank away from Shodan, or first degree blackbelt. I'm so glad my family and friends were there to see me on my big day. To Dan and Matt, you two are true pimps for coming to see me compete. For everyone whose congratulated me (that knew about the tournament), I deeply appreciate it. I also want to throw out some congrats to my teammates, you all did well. Rebecca, congrats for ranking up and winning an individuals match! Nils, congrats on your first win and getting a rank, I'm proud of you, kohai. Mr. Pres, congrats on Ikkyu, and also winning that clutch tiebreaker against Hudson River. Cliff, congrats on winning an individual match, and I think it's bullshit that that guy won in the second round, his hits were garbage. Adam and Kiran, congrats for showing up and eating all my snacks. LOL just kidding guys, glad you could come. I'm sure you'll be in bogu soon.

Now on to surviving this week. No more midterms or papers, just painfully boring lectures. Good thing is, I didn't fall asleep in History today! Yay for 8 hours of sleep! No big assignments means more free time, which I shall spend pwnin' some n00bs in TF2 and pwnin' my body at the gym. And pwnin' some sandwiches with my face.

Then a full week of Princeton sushi, Wawa diet green tea, and my mom's cooking! Couldn't ask for too much more than that.

It's so sexy, it becomes hostile.

2009-03-06T02:31:00.000-08:00

Morning, western world. My plan to fix my sleep cycle got shot to shit today, when I decided it was appropriate to get a full night's sleep in the middle of the day. 11 am to 5:30 pm, baby. 12 hours later, I'm surprisingly awake. Go figure. Hey, at least I got to watch the new episode of The Office online. Bonus!

I'm getting increasingly nervous for my rank test on Sunday. The whole time at practice tonight, I was reminded of how easy it is to fail, by some intense Korean people. I really want to do well, this is something I really feel I've worked hard for and put a lot of time into. It's about time something went my way. I've got a good luck charm now though! Thanks Natasha! :D

Bollocks, I have to hit the gym before work tomorrow. Wednesday was the first time I skipped the gym in a while. I guess it technically opens in less than an hour... do I dare go to the gym at 6:30, and then go to sleep? Interesting concept, hehe. Dear lord, I think I'm fully nocturnal at this point. Totally a wampire. Yep, wampire. FUNGER HALL RABID BAT ALERT.

I'm gonna be fucked for this weekend if I don't figure this sleep thing out soon. I want to get a long night's sleep so I can finally have some crazy dreams again. Just to be able to wake up and go, "What the hell?". It satisfies me.

Ok no, the gym is not happening this morning. I'll wake up at 12:30 and go. The yawning is starting. Mission accomplished. I'm gonna go brush my chompers and hop into my cave. Caveman need sleepy. Ooga booga.

I'm rambling, to no apparent end. Goodnight.

I have two fingers. I have four fingers.

2009-03-03T23:41:00.000-08:00

BLEEEEEEEEEEHEHEHEHEHE make this week be over. Midterms tomorrow and Thursday. I just threw up in my mouth a little. Seriously. Tasted like chicken tenders. Gross, I know, but I wanted to convey the truth. Now that we're all on the same page...

I really can't wait for this weekend. Rutgers. Alfonso's. The family. Tournament. Ohhhhh and Natasha is visiting! :) Should be fun!

I just have to get through a German and Economic Geography midterm to get there. I'd rather have my spleen twisted with the AWESOME AUGER. PULL OUT ANY WEEDS AND STUMPS AND SPLEENS WITH THE AWESOME AUGER. I'M BILLY MAYS, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO STOP SHOUTING. Good laugh there.

Kind of nervous for my rank test on Sunday... If all goes well, I'll have skipped a rank, and I'll be one away from Shodan (blackbelt). Wish me luck! I'm going to need it!

Okay so I had my whole sleep schedule adjusted, but then I proceeded to nap for 47 hours today. Hence, I'm still up. Whoops.

So I just had a thought. This isn't a journal, it's a blog. So now I have an excuse to ask hot girls back to my room and they'll be like "WHAT?!" and I'll be like "...what?" and they'll be like "What kind of girl do you think I am?" and then I'll eat a Twix and time will freeze and then I can be like "I thought you were a believer...someone who wanted to blog about our ideals" and then she'll be all like "Oh, blogging! I love blogging!" and then as insinuated by the commercial... instant sex. If not, at least I had a Twix. I need to not watch TV anymore.

Anyways. I'm gonna blog about sports for a sec. It's a guy thing.

Devils: Epic win. Brodeur is back between the pipes, and the Devils are 4-0 since he came back. They're close to being the league leaders. Brodeur is 4 games away from being the all-time winningest goalie in NHL history. Zach Parise is 2nd in the league for goals scored. If this isn't a year for the Stanley Cup, then fuck me runnin'.

Eagles: Epic Fail. HOW DO YOU LET GO OF B. DAWK? AND BUCK? TO THE BRONCOS? ...and Lito Sheppard... the Jets got him. You're welcome, Steph. Needless to say, our once dominant defense is now close to poop. Thank the football lord that we still have Samuel and Brown. Maybe we can draft a running back or a tight end and make some sheisse happen. I just want one Superbowl before I die, that's all I ask. I'll be a good boy.

Aw crapsicles, it's 3 o'clock. Too bad I aint tired. Just don't have too much more to say. I'm sure I'll have a lot more exciting things to think about after this weekend. Like my paper due next week! X(

This weather should scare you.

2009-03-02T21:45:00.000-08:00

Shorts on Friday, snow on Monday. Global climate change. It's a scary thing, folks. Seasons are intermingling like drunk ass sorority and fraternity members on a Thursday night at GW. I swear if it ever snows on my birthday, um... well... that'd be kinda cool. I can dig having a snowball fight in October.

But double-you tee eff? No snow day today? Georgetown got off... they don't even have to navigate city streets to get to class! I call shenanigans. Whatever, my one class on Mondays is very pleasant, taught by the ever elegant Captain Doctor Priceway (It's a 302 thing). Work wasn't cancelled either. But hey, I enjoy that too. See? Things work out for the best, in a very simple way. Go with the flow.

Fuck man, I have midterms. Best cut this one short, get some sleep before I bang out another glorious last minute paper tomorrow morning. Only two pages, barely counts as a paper. Last minute panic is one of life's greatest virtues. Anyway...

Tonight, ladies and gentlemen BRRRRRM BA BRM BRM we're all out of time, and have fun :/

Did anyone ever tell you you're angry when you're beautiful?

2009-03-02T00:12:00.000-08:00

It's snowing! Er... to be more specific, it's 'wintery mixing'. Hope it sticks, I'd love a snow day. Only had one good one in college so far. That was a fun day, at the monuments with Jeannette. Made a giant American flag in the middle of the WWII memorial, on top of the frozen over fountains. Good times. I miss the innocence and wonder of freshman year. And the non-innocence. What I don't miss is the vomit.

It's been a surprising short journey from then until now, but everything has changed so much. I've had the most life experiences packed into such a short amount of time... it's been tough, but now I'm tough too. Tougher than I was, anyway. Plus, I feel like it's all brought our family closer together. For that, I'll always be grateful.

I took some melatonin earlier, and I'm going to bed soon. I hope I have some dreams, they always provide some comic relief. My favorites are the ones where I wake up and just laugh. I suppose that says a lot about what a person is experiencing in life at the time. It's been a while since I've had a dream like that. My most recent dreams have actually been kind of hard to stomach. Guess I shouldn't sleep in so late when I'm not perfectly happy :P

One of the best feel good dreams I've ever had: I was parading through the streets of Boston (haven't been there in forever, don't know why it was Boston) with my entire high school class following me. I was rapping the lyrics to Love Rollercoaster (Red Hot Chili Peppers version). I woke up and apparently I left my iPod on. But I woke up feeling like the coolest person ever. Lame, I know.

You know what? Not lame. You're a fucker for agreeing. It was cool.

Ahem.

It's sleepy time. Hopefully I'll have a dream where my guitar shoots lightning and tacos. That'd be hard to top. Here's to a potential snow day tomorrow, goodnight everyone.

John says to live above hell, my will is well.

2009-03-01T02:20:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I'm up late again. Only this time, I have a plan. Will my lazy ass out of bed by 1 pm at the latest. I have some work to do, and I want to make it to the gym again tomorrow. It certainly helps blow off some steam. Only wish I had my boxing gloves here, and the gym had some kind of heavy bag. I haven't boxed in a while, but it's a great source of emotional release. Kind of like kendo, but I can dictate the pace. Needless to say, between kendo, boxing, the guitar, and typing all the time, I'm totally going to have arthritis as an adult. I'll deal.

It's that time of the semester where everyone is getting caught up in tons of work, stress, all patiently waiting for Spring break... that much I can handle. I've never had too much of a problem getting it all done. I may be a procrastinator, but I have my systems. What scares me, is that nothing seems to be changing. I'll get through the week alright, but what then? More work. Just work. I mean, there is Spring break, and I look forward to nothing more than enjoying time with my family. But I just get disillusioned with college sometimes. I was never much of a partygoer, I prefer more intimate (not in a sexy way, lol) settings with close friends. The way most people long for stability, I suppose I long for change. Does that make me weird? Hope so... any way I can distinguish myself from typical GW culture is fine with me. Really though... I just feel so ready to move on. I don't think another year of classes will change my near future career goals. I do understand that being in college isn't nearly as much responsibility as leading an adult life, and that I should enjoy certain things while I have them.

I just saw the movie Click, and I totally get the message to live life to the fullest, family first, etc... I wish I could skip this part and be at the point with a family to care for. I know I'm not nearly ready, nobody my age should have to be. But I don't like to feel dependent, is what I guess I'm getting at.

Ok I can't make heads or tails of what I'm trying to say. I long for change, but I want that change to come in the form of stability. Glad you're following along. All in all, I suppose I want to be in a routine I can be happy with, with the obvious diversion now and then. All I have now is routine, no diversion. Maybe I should go on a journey to find myself, lols. So corny. I'm right here, and I have to deal with it. It's not on me to bitch about what I've been given. I'm extremely grateful for the things I've done and the people I've met. I guess I just need some new experiences, that's all.

Over the last couple months, I've been trying to develop some patience. It's harder than I could ever imagine, but I'm trying. Things will always change, and there will always be new experiences. I just need to be in the right mindset to deal with them when they come. Best way to ensure that is to be myself. People like me best when I'm myself, not trying to be something different. Myself, as in happy-go-lucky goofball Perry, who's not afraid of embarrassing himself. I'm almost there. I'm almost to the point where I can dance when nobody is watching (it's a tell).

If I'm going to get up by 1 and start living this life, I'd better try and sleep soon. It's all a matter of planning. Isn't life just that? I don't plan to be miserable, so I won't be. That's that. Night folks, I'm passing out.

Epic Fail

2009-02-28T13:13:00.000-08:00

You want to know how my lack of sleep is affecting my life? I fucking slept through my alarm this morning and didn't get up in time for Sean's wedding. I missed it. Then I proceeded to sleep straight through Kendo practice. Needless to say, I'm sure there are some people very disappointed in me today. I promise I'm working on it. I'd try to melatonin myself to sleep at a reasonable time tonight, but doing so after only 8 or 9 hours of being awake might produce some serious problems. So I'm just going to try to wake up super early tomorrow, avoid napping, and wake up early on Monday, and sort this whole damn thing out. Or, like I said before, I could move to Germany. Then I could start a new life, and my sleep cycle would be right on track!

I have to empty my head somehow.

2009-02-28T02:50:00.000-08:00

I started this blog because I need something to do when it's almost 6 o'clock and I don't feel tired for some reason. Most likely it's because I didn't have work today, so I stayed up until 5 am the night before, and slept until 4 pm. Still, doesn't explain why I went to bed at 5 am the night before...

The real reason behind my rampant insomnia is that my mind is so cluttered with thought, it really keeps me awake. Painfully awake. So much so that I get frustrated sometimes. It's probably why my body keeps perpetuating symptoms of illnesses I thought I kicked months ago. I can't go into what many of those thoughts are, because the situations belong to me, and I could wind up hurting myself or others if I share them. Needless to say, my mind has been a Royal Mongolian Clusterfuck of the highest order for months now.

So I'm going to Sean's wedding tomorrow. Er, I should say, in 4 hours. It got me thinking a lot about love. It's a beautiful strange thing that is so rare, that it's a painful thing to forget once you lose it. It's like throwing in more and more chips when you've hit a hot streak on a roulette wheel. You came in with 50 bucks, turned it into several months pay, and then lost it all. Not only did you give up a small fortune, but you don't even have money to take the bus home. Right now I'm standing outside the casino in the rain. Cheesy metaphor, but I just lost 10 bucks in a poker game. It fits.

Not referring specifically to anything, I get the feeling that people are judging me differently now. Like, I'm just a mistake to learn from. Maybe I'm just paranoid, but I have a cooler full of evidence (Arrested Dev., anyone?). I don't understand why things changed so much. Okay, this is referring specifically to something. I don't mind sharing things like this, and maybe just see who has something to think about it. I just have trouble telling specific people, because I don't know who to trust.

Oh yeah, that's what love is, I forgot. It's trust. I realized this in the shower the other day. Love is being with someone you can always trust. Maybe it's why I wish I was in a relationship, just a lack of trust in my life. I was lied to a lot in the past, and it still eats me up sometimes. I can only fully trust my family and my roommate at this point. Mostly everyone I've spoken to has told me it's unhealthy to base happiness around having a relationship. I agree. That's why I don't. I can't say I'm in a terrible spot right now. I have a few good friends, a loving family, a fun job, and I'm doing decent in school. I'm happy. Mostly.

This is where I disagree with the world. It's not unhealthy to want to form relationships. Not at all. That's the missing piece right now! Companionship, a gal to pal with, to joke with, to do stuff with, to care about, fucking snuggle and some shit. Love...trust.

I suppose I make it harder on myself by doing things the old fashioned way. I'm not the type of person to hook up with someone I haven't formed a relationship with. Short version: I don't whore myself out and hope it works. The few relationships I've had took time and work, and those are the kinds that work the best.

I'll save some emo whining for later, don't want to spill all of my guts on the first go. Instead I'll try and reflect on the positives.

Kendo tournament in just a week! I've been looking forward to this one for over a year now. My family and friends finally get to see me kick some ass! Well, my family anyway. That's the best I could ask for right now, I guess.

Whoops, didn't I say it was time for some positives? Oh yeah. My job is the best. Well, second best. The best would be the same job, but I'd get paid. But still! My boss is this awesome crazy guy who gives us leftover frozen kiddy juice and Sunchips, the kids are all down to earth, unlike the rest of the world, and it's a nice segway into the whole career thing. It's fun. Thanks for asking.

So I guess I should just keep doing what I'm doing. Keep laughing, keep being a good person, keep surviving off of chicken patties, keep going to the gym to turn said chicken patties into buffness, and keep a positive, though tastefully cynical attitude towards life. From time to time, I'll bleed my thoughts a little onto this page, just to relieve some of the pressure. I'm not looking for feedback. It's mostly to keep myself from going absolutely crazy at night/early morning.

I have to get up in 2 and a half hours to put on my suit and tie (for the first time at school, lol). Gotta look smexy if I's gonna be ats a wedding. Time to force a short bout of unconciousness. I'll bother you again soon.